It’s come to my attention that there are some misconceptions floating around, specifically in regards to my wife, our relationship, and my transition. Tl;dr? She’s amazing and understanding, supports whatever decision I make, and will continue to be so and do so whatever that decision is.
I had to try to figure out how my social media brain works in order to understand why and how this had happened. She brought it up the other day that when I’m around her and our kid I enjoy myself a lot more than my social media feeds would seem to imply. That I never post about the good things in my life.
I realized that while I’m focused on Twitter and Facebook, I’m also focused on the discussions going on there, and the people I’ve connected to on them. The Twitter list I read right now is literally only rainbow folks. There’s a lot of trans talk, mixed in with a bunch of social justice stuff like Hands Up/Can’t Breathe and Gamergate. Though the trans talk is awesome in making me feel like part of a community, it also hits some bittersweet in that I’m not really participating in any of it myself.
When I’m having a pleasant time in meatspace spending my evenings with my family, or enjoying my new duties at work, I’m not posting about it. Essentially because I’m not on Twitter at the time. I… don’t really know how to report on what is going on at the moment. Is this weird? So most of what people end up seeing are my thoughts and retweets while I’m in social media mode, not while I’m in life-living mode.
Since July, when my dysphoria kicked into overdrive, my wife (who I will continue to refer to as LoML – “love of my life” – since “my wife” sounds too impersonal, but her name is too personal for a public post) has been amazing. This whole process has been painful for her. At any point in the last several months, she could have said it’s over. She could have yelled and screamed, kicked me out, hurt me, threatened me. That kind of crud is directed at trans women all the time. She’s done nothing even remotely like that.
Instead, LoML’s told me multiple times that if the only way I can be happy is to transition, then that’s what I need to do, and she’d support that. She’s been very attentive and caring while adjusting habits for my emotional needs. Since I asked her to start going to therapy sessions with me, she’s been to every one – handing me tissues, squeezing my hand, and being a rock to cling to. When I went to the ER for chest pain, she had another commitment – though I told her she could keep it, she canceled and stayed right by my side the whole time, and I’m very glad she did.
LoML means everything to me. There’s nothing in life I want to have to face without her. We both love the other with such a powerful love that it keeps fighting to hold on, months into realizing a fundamental incompatibility – she’s not interested in a sexual relationship with a physical woman, and I’m not interested in maintaining a masculine body and presentation. As painful as it is, we’ve been exploring what it would mean to separate. If it were really just me and her, we could probably reconcile the facets in our lives that don’t mesh, divorce, and just have our relationship morph into BFFs.
The underwater house, the child, and the three bully-breed dogs make this a much more complicated situation. I’m trying to find a way to be happy with myself, to hold this all together in as functional and healthy a way as possible. I’ve already managed it a couple years past the average life expectancy for a trans woman. Proves it can be done. Let’s do this.