It’s true. RPG players are like kids. Hear me out.
You never know what they’re going to do next. You want them to have fun just as much as they do, but they’ll do everything they can to belie that. The best way to do this is to control them, without them knowing they’re being controlled. When they get frustrated, distract them with something to hold their attention. And? They’re both smarter than you can imagine, and dumber than you can believe.
Watch this. I’m going to copy and paste from a parenting tips site. And it’s all going to be GM gold.
1. What you do matters.
Whether it’s your own health behaviours or the way you treat other people, your children are learning from what you do.
Follow your own table rules. No eating during combat? Roll attack and damage together? Set these examples, and your players will follow.
2. You cannot be too loving.
It’s not possible to spoil a child with love. Spoiling a child is usually the consequence of giving a child things in place of love; such as lowered expectations, material possessions or too few boundaries.
Don’t just fill out your players’ wishlists. Scope out what will really make them walk away from the game with a sense of accomplishment.
3. Be involved in your child’s life.
It takes time and is hard work, and it often means rethinking and rearranging your priorities. Frequently it means sacrificing what you want to do for what your child needs to do. Be there mentally as well as physically.
Put your players in the spotlight, preferably once a session. Touch on their backstories. Make their character decisions have an impact in-game.
4. Adapt your parenting to fit your child.
Keep pace with your child’s development. Your child is growing up, modify your responses accordingly when you consider how age is affecting your child’s behaviour.
Make the effort to peg your players’ play niche, Robin Laws style. A group of butt-kickers isn’t going to respond well to political intrigue, for example.
5. Establish and set rules.
Manage your child’s behaviour when they are young. The later you start the harder time that child will have learning how to manage themselves when they are older and you aren’t around. The rules your child has learned from you are going to shape the rules he applies to himself. Give them freedoms within this when they reach the preteen and adolescent years; don’t micromanage your child, but rather keep tabs on them.
Don’t be wishy-washy about rules. “Wait, why did he hit on 18, when I needed a 21?” isn’t good. Clarity and consistency will also slow down questions as system mastery rises. Also, don’t say “No” as often as you can. “Yes, and…” is more awesome.
6. Foster your child’s independence.
Setting limits helps your child develop a sense of self-control. When a parent encourages independence it helps the child develop a sense of self-direction. To be successful in life, a young adult is going to need both.
Avoid railroading (or at least, obvious railroading) when possible. Also, questions like “Is that really what your character would do?” undermines the player’s authority over their own PC. Even better? Invite the players to help with world-building.
7. Be consistent.
If your rules vary from day to day in an unpredictable fashion or if you enforce them only intermittently, your child’s misbehaviour is your fault, not theirs. Your most important disciplinary tool is consistency. Identify your non-negotiables. If you let it become a struggle of power, your child will learn to begrudge it and will challenge your position.
This is mostly an extension of Rule 5. But it’s also a way to deal with the power a rules lawyer player might have over the GM. D&D Next is focusing on “DM empowerment” precisely because high system mastery in 3-4e D&D allows some players to strong-arm some DMs.
8. Avoid harsh discipline.
Parents should never hit a child, under any circumstances, Studies show that children who are spanked, hit, or slapped have more of a tendancy toward fighting with other children. They are more likely to be bullies and more likely to use aggression to solve disputes with others.
Remember to separate game and real life. Do not punish a player for character actions, and vice verse. Also, remember what the real carrots and sticks are in your game. (carrots being rewards and sticks being punishment) Combat may well be the carrot.
9. Explain your rules and decisions.
Generally, parents over-explain to young children and under-explain to adolescents. What is very obvious to you may not be clear to a 12-year-old. At this age a child doesn’t have the priorities, judgment, or experience that a parent does.
Your players (unless they’re GMs themselves) really have no clue what you go through to present your game. They’re in charge of their PC and usually nothing else. Explaining your motives goes a long way towards avoiding misunderstandings.
10. Treat your child with respect.
The best way to get respectful treatment from your child is to treat him respectfully. Give your child the same courtesies you would give to anyone else. Speak politely. Respect their opinions. Pay attention when they are speaking to you. Treat with kindness.
This is basically a mix of several previous rules. The last thing you want is for your players to think that what they say, do, or feel doesn’t matter. The last words I heard when my long campaign dissolved were “Why do you even need players? You’ve got everything you need to just run the story by yourself.”
Conclusion
Seriously, a parenting class at a local JC isn’t a bad idea for a GM who’s having trouble connecting with their players. Check out some parenting blogs or books. It’s a lot of the same human-dealing-with-human psychology that governs both raising a child and running a game.